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Why do I seem to be perpetually struggling with my weight? This realization hit
me one day while I was looking at a photograph of myself taken in 1998. The face
that stared back at me was haggard but slim. In fact, I could even see my
collarbones jutting out from my purple blouse. And yet, at that time, I had
thought I was fat. I now realized that it was a psychological as well as a
physical warfare for me. Ever since that year, I had put on ten more pounds. The
purple blouse is still with me but it is shoved right into the back of the
cupboard for it reminded me of my slimmer days. Ever since I was small, I have
been slightly plump. My photographs show that I had no neck, just tons of flesh
everywhere. My grandmother called me 'Gu Sai' (cow dung) because I looked like a
blob of that. Friends called me 'Tua Pui fen' or Fatty Jen and that name stuck
till I was in my teens. With such nicknames, it was not surprising that I had
problems with my self-image.
Although I continued to be slightly overweight throughout my teens, I was not
obese or fat. So, I never bothered to go on a diet. I did not have enough
self-discipline or the desire to do so. My classmates were always prettier and
thinner than me. They were popular with boys while I excelled in games. Soon, I
dressed like a boy, in jeans and T-shirts. These were more comfortable and I
could hide all those ugly bulges. I felt safe as if by dressing that way, I
could divert people's attention. However, the mode of dressing attracted
unwanted attention from well-meaning relatives. They were afraid that I would
turn out to be a tomboy. Once I heard them whispering to my parents and I cried.
My self-image improved over the years as I took up guitar-playing and became
a youth leader in church. In university, I lost a lot of weight due to the
hectic pace of life. Suddenly, I was the centre of attention and boyfriends were
aplenty. I discovered dresses. However, like a yo-yo, my weight was up again
during the holidays.
Today, two children later, I am still struggling to lose that ten pounds or
so. I have also moved from size M to XL, back and forth. Even though my
colleagues tried to reassure me that I was pleasantly plump, I still find it
difficult to accept that perhaps I might never be able to lose those extra
pounds. I blame the mass media which glorifies thin women. Images of beautiful
women in magazines taunt and torture me. The shopping centers and designers are
also not helping at all. It is so difficult to go shopping nowadays. They sell
those tiny little T-shirts everywhere as if to snub my weight. Yes, the message
seems to be: small is beautiful, big is not acceptable to society. Thank God for
my tailor and some good shopping centers which stock sizes for bigger women.
Over the years, I have finally learnt to accept my weight and realize that
being healthy and fit is more important. I have learnt to be less sensitive
about my weight and accept what I cannot change although I still look in the
mirror and wish that certain parts of me could be slimmer or smaller. I have
also resolved to eat sensibly and to exercise. I wouldn't sweat over insensitive
comments. If on certain mornings when I don't look so good, I want to count my
blessings and let small stuff go. Life is too short to be spent on struggling
with this psychological warfare. In the meantime, I am going to finish my fried
kway teow. |
